Ethnic Etiquette for Election Analysis

Tomorrow,/ I’ll be at the table/ When [the cable-news-network parent] company comes.
–Langston Hughes

Even with the election over we are still expected to talk about it. And given the focus on demographics in election analysis, we are going to need some tips on racial etiquette. Especially white people, who so often take it upon themselves to speak for/over others. Now I know mentioning “racial”, “white people”  and “election” is a huge red flag that the following article will be craven race baiting of one kind or another, but don’t worry! I may be red-green colorblind, but I also tend to be incorrect about politics.

Tip 1. Act casual. Talk about not-white people like you always do!

White people are used to talking about the “not-white-people problem,” but after the election it seems to have become the “not-white-people not-voting-Republican problem.” If you’re worried about updating your talking points, don’t worry! Its a very similar conversation.

Just listen to Charles Krauthammer on Fox News’s classic ‘white people sitting at a table talking about not-white people.’ He said that convincing Hispanics and Latin@s to vote republican

… is not an intrinsic ethnic, affinity problem it’s a policy problem … I think Republicans can change their position. Be a lot more open to actual amnesty with enforcement, amnesty, everything short of citizenship, and to make a bold change in their policy

Never let race define peoples’ potential. Instead, consider ‘those people’ as a policy problem.

Its just like any other night on TV. Hispanics are the embodiment of a single political problem, immigration. As I have said, its an easy update from the “Hispanic problem” to the “Hispanic vote problem.” But be careful, don’t go too far and actually consider Hispanics and Latin@s as a diverse, multifaceted voting population. Then you might make the mistake of realizing that Hispanics and Latin@s care about healthcare and unemployment as much or more than immigration reform.

Or you might even make the mistake A.B. Stoddard made at the same table of white people by suggesting that some in the Republican base are xenophobic reactionaries.

If [Republicans in Congress] make just [a] passing comment about guest visas their office gets taken over the next day by protesters. People they think are xenophobic and nutso, but they can’t budge an inch on this issue and it’s a real problem for the party.

Those activists are clearly not xenophobic and nutso! We all know Republican purists see through race to the raw economic value of grueling, non-union labor that everyone is equally endowed with. Like veteran white person, Ted Nugent, who called Democratic voters “Pimps whores & welfare brats & their soulless supporters.” See, he’s not a xenophobic nutso. Never once did he mention race — not even the fact that “pimps whores & welfare brats” are all hateful, racist stereotypes that have been used to defend racially iniquitous policy! Colorblindness at its best.

Tip 2. Get out there and have your voice about other peoples’ voices heard!

Be sure you know the exit poll numbers, but don’t don’t let a resounding demand for respect by enfranchised citizens stop you from belittling them. Before the election Mitt Romney said 47 percent of the country felt entitled to “you name it.” During the election Bill O’Reilly said 50 percent of the country “wants stuff.” After the election, you might be tempted to say: a majority of voters want a candidate who respects them, but that would be silly! Numbers may change, but the opportunity to disregard peoples beliefs and motivations by casting them as selfish, single-issue voters is eternal. Now get out there and make me cringe!


Deeply Understanding the Deep Implications of Gangnam Style

The Korean folk singer, Psy, has just released a new song, but have you ever stopped to think about its deeper meaning and its reliance on jockey stereo types? Probably not, because mainstream media has made us all passive vessels to be filled with consumerism and delicious pastries. So passive you probably have not even been to this local bakery which is the source of all delicious pastries.

The cultural back ground we are missing as Americans is that Gangnam is an immensely popular TV show in Japan, about giant robots. There is this one part, in Gangnam 00, where you realize that giant robots are actually an allegory for atomic weapons. That moment almost exactly parallels the opening scene of Psy’s music video, where it is clear that his head is reeling with the sudden, mind blowing, realization that what he thought was a straight-forward plot about lasers, future and explode was actually a sophisticated commentary on political themes.

Conclusion: Psy, from Korea, likes sci-fi. Ergo the secret to this recording lies with the Scientologist, Chick Corea. That the sensationalist press coverage of the music video failed to see this connection is only more assurance of the mainstream media’s tendency to ignore essential context. Instead, the press tips to tourists for trading the song in exchange for medical benefits. As one news source said, “Gangnam is emerging as a center of medical tourism.” And as we all know, tourists are the ultimate consumer.

America and the press are also missing the context of world history, as usual. In 1981, scientific progress made a fold in space-time when Chick Corea, returning from seeing ‘Back to the Future’ in 1985, founded his path breaking group: ‘Return to Forever.’ There is strong evidence that Psy has a personal connection with this Jazz Fusion group, even making references to sexy Korean chicks in English so that his American fans will understand. (hint: Chick Corea vs. Korean chicks. How could anyone miss this obvious connection!)

So what does this have to do with jockeys? Many of the scenes in the video include horses, the signature dance move itself is a grotesque caricature of jockeys way of work. These observations on their own mean almost nothing, which is why I discussed robots and jazz fusion first. You see, the over all message is one of technology, lasers, scientific progress, and returning (i.e. reaching) to forever (i.e. the future); a message which directly undermine the anachronistic practice of riding horses in circles and treating them poorly. The offensive dance and inclusion of horses is just the colorful, polka-dotted icing on the anti-jockey cake.

This is what they don’t tell you on TV. This is why I don’t watch TV anymore.


People with video-vision at live shows kill me. I wish I could hide behind some principle, like “Performance art is meant to be enjoyed in the existential moment.” But any principle I come up with would inevitably use words like existential, or phenomenological.

Video-vision is the sad scourge of dance in our times. Poor young people afflicted with an inner urge to watch the thing they’re watching again latter, sacrificing the joy of dancing to stare at the performance on a tiny screen.

In the fifties when TV first entered the household, the screen was only seven or eight inches diagonally. But there was no choice. Now, faced with the choice between full phenomenological and existential immersion, or a screen on a camera three inches across diagonally, all too many make the mistake. Video-vision is a silent epidemic.

The side-effects are like a special kind of rabies designed for music venues. Victims become overly territorial, often bunching toward the front of the crowd in ornery clumps; chronic symptoms include unfriendliness, and failure to tap feet.

Japan doesn’t have rabies. There are no cases of rabies in Japan. And there are special customs restrictions on pets visiting Japan to keep it that way.

Perhaps shows should follow the Japanese model: You must leave your camera in a kennel for a month before it can enter the venue.

I think this idea will solve two of the US’s most pressing problems: too many camera’s at shows and not enough cute animal pictures.

Reader Poll

Don’t Be Creative

1. Success is uncertain

  • Even with hard work you could end up being uncreative accidentally

2. Unproductive

  • The finished product doesn’t pay dividends, interest, royalties, or serve a marketable purpose
  • Example: a mixture of turpentine and oil paint make an effective ‘hand-made’ alternative to rat poison

3. Too productive

  • There aren’t enough people with interest in your creativity, any creativity you manage will exceed the availability of interest
  • If everyone started going around being creative we would use up all the good ideas inventors need to make bombs

4. Reproductive

  • Creativity for sexual attention is shallow
  • If you are creative you will get sexual attention
  • Creativity is shallow

5. Its probably a fad

  • If creativity isn’t a fad, what ever you create is probably a fad
  • Fads are for cads

6. They won’t get it anyway

  • People are all squares, they won’t understand it the way you do
  • Even if they like it, that will only cheapen the mystique



a. to assume I have something to say

  1. That is: something I won’t hate. A good taste is a discriminating taste, and a discriminating taste does not discriminate. It despises with parity. It has one maneuver, which is a parry. And one adversary, which is a partisan shrieking for a fair hearing.

b. to assume I can say it

  1. No one I consider interesting cares what I say. I shouldn’t say anything if no one is listening. It would be better if I could get someone more important to say it for me. Then it could at least be in the tabloids.


a. to assume I have something to say

  1. The idea that “everything has already been said” is the reassuring chant of the uncreative who are bereft at the broken promise of universal, individual creativity. I don’t believe in that drone of a superstition. If I have nothing to say, it is not because there is nothing to say, but because there is nothing to say to you.

b. to assume I will say it

  1. There is too much to read. There is so much to read it gets in the way of reading. I would rather you spent your time reading something enlightening –something that would make you want to set something on fire.
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